At a Crossroads

It is funny to think that a few years ago the idea of having a job in social media would be a dream come true. However, here we are the summer right before I complete my MBA, an online marketing/social media intern, something I thought I would excel at, yet I am bored out of my mind. I think throughout the past few years I may have underestimated my ability to handle work loads and how much I crave a healthy amount of stress.

I started off the summer very strong. I was working for a high-end engagement ring company, running all their social media accounts, and strategyzing on new marketing plans. One month later, I am sitting at a computer writing this post at 11AM because I have completed all the work I was assigned within the first thirty minutes of arriving. I desperately try to reach out and ask for more work, yet most of the time I am either let down with an “I will let you know as soon as I get something,” or the dreadful response of “Just keep doing the busy work.”

This is not who I am, nor who I want to be. I have handled A LOT throughout the past few years. From family problems, friend drama, an absurd amount of school work, severe anxiety, a school club, and a lot more that will probably come out some time in the future. My point being, I have adapted to handling anything and everything when it is given to me, even if I don’t think I have the strength to do so.

I don’t think I went a week in school where I did not have an anxiety attack due to stress, which made me think maybe I need to relax. So, I relaxed, and the anxiety still hovered. It was like a cold I couldn’t shake. So I persevered, I learned that even though I would be stressed, occupying myself with endless work, and projects is what I needed.

I strengthened my ability to do anything I set my mind to, even if I was terrified out of my mind. I now crave being busy, stressed, and even sometimes overwhelmed. It seems odd to say, but it gives me something to work for, something to do, something to say. When I have no work, I relax for all of ten minutes before I start pacing wondering what I can do next.

Having work also allows me to plan when this said work will get done, and I love planning. I thrive off planning. I must sound crazy saying that I crave being stressed, but also love planning at the same time. It is similar to when people say they are an organized mess, except my mess is no mess it is a little anxious feeling inside that sometimes wins, but other times it allows me to accomplish things I never thought possible for myself.

To get back to the point I started off with, I went through three and a half years of school taking classes in communications, public relations, and social media. For the most part, I loved it. I was strategic in my methods, and creative in my output. However, I have done multiple internships in the field I have studied for years and I last all of three weeks before I get bored, the learning comes to a halt and I feel stuck. I know that internships are very different from a normal job in the industry, yet here I am stressed that what I have come to know, is not something I want to pursue any longer. Figuring out what you want to do is NEVER simple, it is complicated, confusing and very disappointing at times.

I usually attempt to find the positive in every situation, yet at this moment I am finding it very difficult to determine how I can make the most of this current internship with little to no resources, or work to complete. The question that keeps echoing in my head “you only have four months until the real world becomes a reality, what are you going to do?” Embarrassingly enough sometimes I answer out loud whispering “I have absolutely no idea!”

I am hoping within the next few weeks and/or even months I find the strength to pursue something new and different, all while using the skills I have learned along the way.

Stay tuned.

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